Elementary School days are the sweetest years of growth. It’s a time when you are considered the main influence in your child’s circle. You talk with their teachers regularly about their assignments and behaviors in class, you check in with your child daily about their day, and how friendships are going. You pour into them with encouragement on hard days and cheer them on as they move into each new school year. Then the year you thought was far into the future approaches, your sweet little one is now promoted to middle school. How does parenting, school, and life change for your family in this next season? I wish someone had sat me down about all the changes the next 7 years would bring. From the drop-off schedule to the beginning of letting go.
Looking back there were so many parent “dos and don’t’s” I learned along the way. Navigating middle and high school, in my opinion, is just plain hard. So to help someone who may be a few years behind me with their children, I wanted to share what I have learned in hopes it prepares you for the next big stage of life — middle/high school!
1. Organization is key!
Middle school is a preparation for what's to come in high school. Getting them organized to take on school independently is so important in these years. No teacher is making sure they have homework written down and asking repeatedly if everyone understood the assignment. Once sixth grade began, I sat down with my son and we created an organization system together. How was he going to keep track of multiple assignments for different teachers? Where was he going to take notes for each class? We settled on an organizer and color-coded system - folders and spiral notebooks in the same color to match each subject. My son, still to this day uses this system and it has helped keep him organized these last 7 years. If you are a middle school parent reading this, get them organized as soon as possible. Middle school is the time to let them start taking the lead. They begin to learn how to take notes in class, how to navigate homework, social and sports schedules to get it all done, learn from multiple teachers with different class expectations, what their learning style is - while you guide their way. It’s an important baby step into the high school years.
2. Help them speak up!
The elementary years are when the parent speaks on behalf of their child to their teacher/administrator. But come middle school, that all changes. Your child is the main spokesperson for their needs and concerns. My son went into middle school thinking “respect authority,” aka, the teacher meant not to ever question them. He never had to speak for himself so when he had an issue in middle school, he would come to me instead. He felt it was disrespecting the teacher to question them about things he felt were not right or if he needed assistance about his specific needs in class. To help him understand the line between respect and submission, I went with him one afternoon after school to talk to his teacher about his concerns. I let him know I would be there, but he had to do the talking. I walked him through how he can respect his teacher while being able to get his voice heard. At that moment, he experienced taking his education into his own hands and he took it from there. Talking to your kids about what respect really means in the student/teacher relationship will help your child find their voice and move away from the thought “the teacher is always right” perspective.
3. Help them find their people!
It’s no secret who your child chooses to hang out with will be a direct reflection on who they become over the next few years. Middle school is the first time your child will begin interacting with a lot more kids than their elementary school years, all while they are starting to figure out who they are apart from you, their parents. Middle school is about navigating friendships, feelings, social situations and making the right decisions on who they chose to let into their circle while you, the parent starts to take a back seat to the day-to-day interactions - yet help guide them to stay on the right track and keep them see the amazing human they are despite setbacks they may have.
Once they move on to high school, it’s an even bigger environment of new friends and experiences. Their high school years are where they need a nudge to find what I like to call, “their people”. To do that, they need to get involved in a club, group, or sport during their Freshman Year. Our local high schools are amazing, but they are also HUGE! The chance your teen will have classes with their current friends, much less share the same lunch schedule, is possible, but not likely. They need to start building connections with other like-minded kids right away - older grade levels included. The older students are such a great asset to help mentor and guide the incoming freshman.
My son spent his freshman year without being active in any groups/clubs and it was so hard for him. He didn't feel connected with the school or other teens. In the second semester of his freshman year, we sat down to look at all the clubs/groups available to narrow down something he was interested in. After joining a group he told me how he wished he had started freshman year because he finally had found “his people”.
4. Grades, grades, grades!
I’ve talked to several parents that admit to keeping close tabs on their teen’s grades freshman year, only to admit it was a big mistake because all it did was put more unnecessary pressure on their teen. You know your teen best and if their grades start to fall below their normal grades from middle school then talk to them. First ask about how they are navigating high school, their classes, friendships, what their expectations are for themselves vs. what they are accomplishing before you get on them about the B or C they just received in math. It’s likely the pressures and new experiences of high school are a lot for them and it’s not about their capability. Navigating the stresses of their day and newfound emotions are where you come in to reassure them it is all normal. Work together to come up with a plan together to help them succeed – all while letting them know their grades are not the only measure for success. Also, side note, all our high schools offer Saturday school and peer tutoring available to help them as needed.
5. A-G Classes are important, or are they?
In high school, you will hear the term “A-G Classes”. These are the classes students are required to take to be eligible for admission to the California State University (CSU) and University of California (UC) systems. Not to be confused with high school graduation requirements, those are completely different. Chaffey Joint Union High School District graduation requirements do differ a little from California’s set standards so be sure your teen is working with their counselor to ensure their class schedules are on target if they are aiming at going to a UC or CSU. Freshmen and Sophomores will most likely start out taking the required A-G classes. Then beginning Junior and Senior year they will decide if taking an extra year of math or foreign/world language is their goal for college.
6. What are Pass/Fail classes?
Did you know not all classes need to have a letter grade in high school? Any classes not considered A-G core classes, can be requested as a Pass/Fail class instead of giving your teen a letter grade. Why would you want a pass/fail vs. a grade? Well, it could boost your teen’s GPA! Normally GPA is based on a four-point scale, regardless of what classes you take: A=4 points, B=3 points, and so on. This is what's called an "unweighted GPA;" however, what's more important is the student's "weighted GPA," which accounts for whether or not their courses are Honors/AP. These more advanced classes are worth one more point in GPA calculations, meaning A=5 points, B=4 points, and so on. So, for a student who takes mostly Honors/AP classes, taking a prep class means their GPA will go down, even if they get a good grade in the class. For this reason, any classes that your student is taking that will not be counted towards their A-G classes (PE and elective classes) can help boost their GPA by switching the grading to pass/fail! Just be sure they go into the office at the beginning of each semester and request a Pass/Fail form for those classes. This could help bump up their GPA due to unnecessary grades calculated into the GPA score.
7. Free college classes during the high school years!
Dual enrollment is offered at all our local high schools and it is a way for teens to start taking college-level classes before they graduate - for FREE! It’s a great option for students who want to get ahead and won’t be stressed out over the additional workload. These classes can count toward their AA and undergrad degrees depending on where they decide to go to college. Keep in mind that getting ahead using any of the dual enrollment classes may bring your GPA down due to college classes counting as prep class credit and not as honors class credit (point system listed above). However, don't let the possibility of a slightly lower GPA turn you away from dual enrollment. Although their GPA may be slightly lower, it shows colleges your teen's ability to manage a heavier workload and may look better for college admission. The bottom line, your teen's GPA isn't the only factor to determine their high school success. Your student can talk to their high school counselor for more information and request the paperwork to get started with dual enrollment.
8. To take AP classes or not?
AP classes are a step above honors classes as a way for high schoolers to take a class on campus and sit for an optional AP test that can count toward college credits - depending on where they decide to go to college. It’s tempting, I know. These classes are weighted as honors classes for their GPA and due to the extra college credit for taking a successful AP test, students feel the pressure to take all the AP classes.
Can your child handle the load of an AP class? Don't discount the fact that your child will be in an AP class with students who take learning seriously. I had a friend who discouraged her son from taking AP classes because he didn't do exceptionally well in prep classes (non-AP classes) however, they took a leap and added AP classes his junior year to give it a try. Her son actually ended the class with an A because he felt the pressure to work harder in the class due to the expectations from the teacher and the other student's influence to do their best. Just something to think about.
But take note early on in high school, college may be down the road (in about four years) but you want to start having a plan on where are they thinking about attending college. Why does that matter with AP classes? Competitive colleges like to see that students are taking the most rigorous classes they can handle. To have a good chance at admission, your teen will need to show they have taken the hardest classes available to them and passed them successfully. However, it's also important to note that not all colleges will accept your AP credits or dual enrollment credits. You will need to check with each college to see what they will and will not accept.
9. Listen. Listen. Listen.
I learned how much listening without responding to my teen early on has helped parenting during the high school years. When they talk, listen. No matter what it’s about. Most of your teen's days are happening on their own, navigating school, classwork, social situations, awkward phases, and more. They may not tell you everything but if you listen and watch their body language, you’ll learn a lot. Ask open-ended questions they can’t answer with just a yes/no. Stay involved in their life - these are the years it really matters!
10. Stay Involved, from a distance.
Teens are navigating the new waters of independence throughout high school. They are going to fall, mess up, make mistakes… My job as a parent of a teen isn’t to swoop in and clean it all up for them. Our job is to know as much about their life as possible to help guide them through the rights and wrongs of life, as they experience it.
Parents will take a huge step back from their teen's everyday school life but they still need to know who’s in their friend's circle. Their social media and technology still need to be monitored, especially during their teen years. They need to know their digital footprint will live with them forever, there is no delete button in the World Wide Web. Parents still need to know where they are and what their plans are, hello Life 360 app! Above all, I want them to know if they get into a situation they are not comfortable with they can text us a codeword or phrase like “Can we get ice cream when I get home?” which actually means come and get them ASAP!
The high school years are a season of giving your teen more space, which I know can feel scary, but remember, just because they need more space doesn’t mean they don’t need you! In fact, they need you in this phase more than ever. It’s a time of pivoting in your parenting, allowing your teen to grow and mature into the adults they were meant to be.
As a parent who already walked through the high school years, I can now confidently say watching your teen transition and grow, although bittersweet, is one of the best experiences as a parent and where you start to see how 18 years doesn't seem long enough to hold on to them...
